I didn’t want to write this…

… but, I have to.

Last night was a difficult one. I was out with friends and something happened with me. And that is there. But, I guess I have to give a little background so here’s how it went.

Afternoon, I got a panic attack because of seeing a guy messaging. it was weird, since, I really do not know what resentment I hold against the guy, except the fact that it exists and it is bad enough to give me instantaneous panic attacks so, yeah. Later in the day as I was recuperating, my friend asked me out to a university’s fest. I figured it was OK.

I thought I would smoke weed and get the panic out of the system and that didn’t happen, and since, I am trying to quit, that is kind of a relief so.

Surprisingly, there were school friends there. One who I hadn’t met for three years. And first time we saw each other he called me an asshole. Well, to be honest just waking up from a panic attack had meant that I so spaced out that I could not react well, and I went along with it. There was rum at least.

I think halfway onto the first peg he asked everyone to poke me, something which happens fairly often in college and I don’t mind all that much. But, then this other friend who does know me groped me instead, and it was a buzz kill. It was scary, I was silent, i could not react or interact with them.

It was just…

They were not bad people but, I felt like way and it was getting to me.

Then my friend who I had not seen for 3 years was drunk as fuck and there was a fight? I don’t know, I don’t remember doing much except getting smothered. He smelled nice I guess. But, that was it.

I was fucked up.

And I need to say this here, now.

I walked home feeling unclean, smoking as many cigarettes as I could, but, I couldn’t manage to get anything out of them. By the time I reached a crossing and called a Uber, i think I was exhausted enough to pass out.

I just…

There have been incidents in the past I have wanted to rub off, but, this one was terrible enough.

In other news I was messed up enough to says I liked this guy, and it didn’t pan out well, I don’t mind that really. It happened, and all things need to happen.

I just really needed to write this. So, yeah

 

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