A Confession…

Dearest world,

I am an bisexual, and hence, I am underrepresented in the society. I will not have movies made about myself, I would not get a whole lot of articles pertaining to my issues, and most people would just take me as a person who is either confused, or just faking it. So, according to that, I would have to discount the feeling and want I have felt towards the male peers to want to belong, and to appear less gay I would have to forcibly act their definition of straight because that is the only way that I do know right now. How many days has it been? I try to fake my sexuality by telling them that I am in a relationship so that they do not notice that I really do not notice the women around me as much as I notice the men. Because after some stuff, I really wish to be with men right now. They do not understand or realise that, and any reference I make to that is probably going to lose me my friends.
I won’t lie, I have tested the waters before. Some guys, they didn’t react violently but, I could see themselves create a distance. And one girl just said “Go away fake gay guy”. Maybe, it was a joke, but, that hurts. It hurts even when I try to push it out of my mind and try to see the world as a beautiful place.

Because the world isn’t really beautiful is it?
We’re the ashes of a burnt out place, and we’re sad.

I conform to the standards of the people in my hostel by cracking sexist jokes, and pretending to like that. How can you talk about sex with a girl you have just met who you cannot try and find attractive no matter how much I try. And sometimes I feel in place with them, walking alone while they discuss women, I wonder what they find so attractive sometimes, even though I have loved them before.
Then, I found her attractive because of her voice and this warmth she carried.

Now, in the girl that my hostel mate constantly talks about, I find the make up skills fascinating because she has nailed an eyeliner job.
Even when I was out for a Christmas celebrations, I must have seemed annoying as I talked a whole lot of time about make up with the girls.

But, then I dry up my tears and I walk into the twist of everything again.

I am a bisexual.
I will not have a book written about my experience tomorrow.
I would not be accepted by my gay peers and I would not hold them accountable.
I would be shunned by my straight peers and I’d love them all the same.
I’d laugh because watching a movie with an actor with a different sexuality than mine is very easy.
I would make jokes that leave me scarred with my hostel mates because I have to belong.
I would enjoy the silent moments of warmth when I can cling to someone’s arm.
I would probably get my first heartbreak from a straight guy.

Tell me world, can you still be proud, when all these things you accept leave you feeling inadequate? Tell me if you are going to be by my side when the world falls apart?



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