To forgive

“I cannot ever forgive you, but, that doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

Some times when I look back into childhood, I do not see the good things anymore. I see the darkness and the blackness that huddled around me. Much like the lover who plays only the break up scenes in their mind after it all has been put on shelf.

My father smokes, my father smokes like a chimney. He is addicted and that is something I have lived with for the whole of my life. And when I was a child he came to me once smelling of smoke. I was much more self-righteous then, I was hopeful for a  better future, and I told him to quit, told him that it was bad for his health and his response was.

“I am tensed about you.”

For those not familiar with smokers, tension is one of the easiest excuses to give for us (I am two days clean by the way).
That broke me, the fact that I was the cause, the fact that I was the reason he was destroying himself. Heck, the situation was not under my control. I had broken my leg, I was always suffering, I had lost most of my friends, I was probably never going to play in the fields again and then this gem from my father.

I am in a hostel and I do not even talk to him now, but, some part of me has forgiven him for his transgressions then, perhaps because I intend to be a better man.

But, more so because I cannot afford to be a poorer father. I do care for him more but, I talk lesser and lesser to him each day, because I have moved farther away from my childhood days. Every day he still lights his cigarettes and I watch him, and I sigh, I do not protest anymore. Every man must have his poison.

But, then today is about forgiveness, and this time around I didn’t stop him, and this vacation at least I talked to him about the thing. Not forcing, just a silent wish for him to lay off the smoke.

“This post is a part of Project 365 program at We post daily. Prompt for today was “Share a story where it was very difficult for you to forgive the perpetrator for wronging you, but you did it — you forgave them.”

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